The truth from a liar

Prologue: The Beginning

It is funny how things can change in a split second and turn your world upside down in a flash. 

One moment you are completely unguarded, with no thoughts to what is coming.  You're open and consumed with the every day routines that have become your life and then from out of the blue, just as you think everything is going okay, a little voice says, "Gotcha!"

That is exactly how it was as I answered the phone that day.

A distant, but familiar voice came into my mind.

I frantically searched and accessed the data bank of stored memories and thoughts.  Searching among those things buried so deep, that they are covered with thick layers of dust; cluttered and bound so tight behind the brick walls that I had built up over time to protect myself, that I can barely remember them myself. 

I can hear your voice trembling as you try to speak, your shallow breathing as you try to remain in control and in between each breath, I can feel your pain as finally you force the words to come out, "I am sorry that I have not been in contact for a long time and I understand if you do not want to drag up the past but I have been looking for you for a long time and would like to meet up and talk."

My memory bank has now gone into hyper-drive, a swirling vortex, spinning around as a thousand and one thoughts and voices invade my mind. 

I quickly check my walls for any signs of loose bricks or crumbling plaster.   I carefully survey those ever important walls that hide and trap my demons from ever being allowed to roam free and rearing their ugly heads. 

I am terrified at the fear of them tumbling down.  I had spent hours in silence, methodically and mentally trapping and blocking every painful memory or thought.  My voice and memories that screamed inside my head to be heard, as I carefully placed each and every brick and sealed the memories up tight. 

Every now and again, over time something would shake my foundations and I could feel a brick becoming loose and again I would sit in the darkness re-plastering it safely back into its own proper hole.

Rocking on my heels and sobbing softly to myself while fighting to keep control; to keep those walls up and without chinks in the structure. 

How many walls I had built over time I do not know?

My heart is thumping, almost the feeling of wanting to cough and choke it out of my mouth, as the panic starts to grow.  I can feel the sudden surge of blood rushing around my body like it is being possessed; the all too familiar. "Flight or fight" syndrome that I had not felt for years, begins to resurface.

I take a deep breath, as I recall my last stored memory of you.

A tiny, fragile porcelain doll, all skin and bones, like a third world child starving and left to die.  I had always felt so clumsy compared to your delicate features.

Your pain, if anyone cared to look hard enough, was obvious.  It showed in your eyes and your body looked like an A to Z road map from the numerous tubes, drips and surgeries that had taken over your life. 

I remember the feeling of repulsion when I first saw the holes in your chest, and sat watching you push peas around on your dinner plate.   It was as if eating was the only control you felt you had over your life was in what you chose to put into your body. It was like you were afraid to eat. 

I also saw, heard and felt your disgust that I did not worry about what I ate, And, I still remember you telling me I needed to lose weight although I was not overweight. Your words cut through me like a knife as you asked me "how can you bare to look at yourself"

I always knew one day you would return, even though you were older than me, I was your protector it did not matter what was done to me only that you were spared.

My only sadness was that you would be forced to become my only witness to the events that were to occur in my life.   I know over time the chains would weigh you down like Jacob Marley in Scrooge, until you are able to face your own demons and learn the power of forgiveness.

I ask my inner child, "Can I do this?  Do I have the strength?" 

I listen in the silence and she replies, "Yes you can. It is time, I want to be heard!"